Definition of Domestic Violence
Domestic Violence is a pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion, that adults or adolescents use against their intimate partner.
Domestic Violence is:
- A pattern of behaviors including a variety of tactics - some physically injurious and some not, some criminal and some not - carried out in multiple, sometimes daily episodes.
- A pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion.
- A combination of physical force and terror used by the perpetrator that causes physical and psychological harm to the victim and children.
- A pattern of purposeful behavior, directed at achieving compliance from or control over the victim.
- Behaviors perpetrated by adults or adolescents against their intimate partner in current or former dating, married or cohabiting relationships of heterosexuals, gays and lesbians.
In other words, does your partner...
- Embarrass you with bad names and put downs?
- Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
- Control what you do, who you see or talk to, or where you go?
- Stop you from seeing or talking to friends or family?
- Take your money or Social Security, make you ask for money, or refuse to give you money?
- Make all the decisions?
- Tell you you're a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
- Act like the abuse is not a big deal, it's your fault or even deny doing it?
- Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
- Intimidate you with guns, knives, or other weapons?
- Shove, slap or hit you?
- Threaten to commit suicide?
- Threaten to kill you?
- If you answered yes to even ONE of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship. If you need to talk, call us.
Domestic Violence Statistics
- One out of every three women will be abused at some point in her life.
- Battering is the single major cause of injury to women, exceeding rapes, muggings and auto accidents combined.
- A woman is more likely to be killed by a male partner (or former partner) than any other person.
- About 4,000 women die each year due to domestic violence.
- Of the total domestic violence homicides, about 75% of the victims were killed as they attempted to leave the relationship or after the relationship had ended.
- Seventy-three percent of male abusers were abused as children.
- Thirty percent of Americans say they know a woman who has been physically abused by her husband in the past year.
- Women of all races are equally vulnerable to violence by an intimate partner.
- On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or partners in this country every day.
- Intimate partner violence is a crime that largely affects women. In 1999, women accounted for 85% of the victims of intimate partner violence.
- On average, a woman will leave an abusive relationship seven times before she leaves for good.
- Approximately 75% of women who are killed by their batterers are murdered when they attempt to leave or after they have left an abusive relationship.
Frequently Asked Questions about Domestic Violence
Do women who stay in abusive relationships like the abuse?
No one wants to be hurt, beaten or made to feel inferior. Women stay in abusive relationships for a number of reasons. Women may have nowhere to go. They may believe that it is better for their children to stay in a stable home. For many women, the reason they stay is because of fear. Statistics show that 75% of women who are murdered by their batterers are killed when they leave or after they leave the relationship.
Why do people become batterers?
There is no single reason for abuse. Violence is a means of trying to exercise power and control over someone else. Many batterers were victims of abuse as children or came from families in which spousal abuse was prevalent. It is important to remember, however, that not all people who were victims of abuse as children will turn into batterers.
Can you identify a potential batterer when you meet him/her?
Just as there is not one reason for abuse, there is not one type of batterer. Many batterers are highly successful professionally and in other areas of their lives. With history and society to support their beliefs, they may have little remorse or regret over battering.
Are victims of domestic violence “weak” people?
The fact that people experience domestic violence doesn’t make them inherently “weak.” Through manipulation and coercion abusers often chip away at the victim’s self-esteem. Sometimes this process happens so subtly that the victim is unaware of the psychological, emotional and other types of abuse that often precede a physically violent attack. In addition, it is important to note that many victims grew up in homes where there was excessive violence and turbulence. They may have seen their parents abuse alcohol and drugs, and consequently blamed themselves for the dysfunction and unhappiness.
What do abused women want and need?
The first thing that an abused woman needs is to be safe. If she is in danger it is very difficult to think beyond the immediate crisis. She does not need someone to tell her to “snap out of it” or to insult her for being in her position. Basically, a victim needs support, someone who will listen to her, and she needs information about services. Above all, she needs respect.
Is it true that most violent relationships go through cycles - from tension building to an active battering incident, leading to the honeymoon or “remorseful” stage?
This pattern, called the “Cycle of Violence”, came from the battered women’s movement in the 1970’s. The idea has changed over the years because many women found that their relationships did not go through these phases. For some people there is no “honeymoon” phase. Others do not see the tension building. Women’s rights activists today have changed the model, renaming it the “Campaign of Violence.” The new name suggests that the violence is ongoing and multi-faceted, taking a variety of forms.
Are men violent because they lose control?
No. Domestic violence is not a form of losing control; it is an attempt at gaining control. Most acts of violence are premeditated, occurring behind closed doors. It may seem as though the batterer is losing control because of his angry behavior. To that end, most batterers are very good manipulators. They know how to convince others and their victims that they are not at fault for their actions.
Is domestic violence less of a problem between same-sex couples?
Studies show that violence in same-sex relationships is as common as it is in heterosexual relationships. Sometimes the violence is less noticeable because of preconceived notions about gender roles. When men fight, people tend to view it as natural, because “boys will be boys.” Women, because they are stereotyped as sensitive and passive, are not expected to be violent.
Do drugs and alcohol cause domestic violence?
The need to exercise power and control is the cause of domestic violence. Drugs and alcohol enable people to lose their inhibitions, and cloud sound judgment. As a result, violence may be exacerbated by the use of these substances. It is important to remember, however, that it is not the cause.
What can I do if I, or someone I know is being abused?
No one wants to be hurt, beaten or made to feel inferior. Women stay in abusive relationships for a number of reasons. Women may have nowhere to go. They may believe that it is better for their children to stay in a stable home. For many women, the reason they stay is because of fear. Statistics show that 75% of women who are murdered by their batterers are killed when they leave or after they leave the relationship.
Why do people become batterers?
There is no single reason for abuse. Violence is a means of trying to exercise power and control over someone else. Many batterers were victims of abuse as children or came from families in which spousal abuse was prevalent. It is important to remember, however, that not all people who were victims of abuse as children will turn into batterers.
Can you identify a potential batterer when you meet him/her?
Just as there is not one reason for abuse, there is not one type of batterer. Many batterers are highly successful professionally and in other areas of their lives. With history and society to support their beliefs, they may have little remorse or regret over battering.
Are victims of domestic violence “weak” people?
The fact that people experience domestic violence doesn’t make them inherently “weak.” Through manipulation and coercion abusers often chip away at the victim’s self-esteem. Sometimes this process happens so subtly that the victim is unaware of the psychological, emotional and other types of abuse that often precede a physically violent attack. In addition, it is important to note that many victims grew up in homes where there was excessive violence and turbulence. They may have seen their parents abuse alcohol and drugs, and consequently blamed themselves for the dysfunction and unhappiness.
What do abused women want and need?
The first thing that an abused woman needs is to be safe. If she is in danger it is very difficult to think beyond the immediate crisis. She does not need someone to tell her to “snap out of it” or to insult her for being in her position. Basically, a victim needs support, someone who will listen to her, and she needs information about services. Above all, she needs respect.
Is it true that most violent relationships go through cycles - from tension building to an active battering incident, leading to the honeymoon or “remorseful” stage?
This pattern, called the “Cycle of Violence”, came from the battered women’s movement in the 1970’s. The idea has changed over the years because many women found that their relationships did not go through these phases. For some people there is no “honeymoon” phase. Others do not see the tension building. Women’s rights activists today have changed the model, renaming it the “Campaign of Violence.” The new name suggests that the violence is ongoing and multi-faceted, taking a variety of forms.
Are men violent because they lose control?
No. Domestic violence is not a form of losing control; it is an attempt at gaining control. Most acts of violence are premeditated, occurring behind closed doors. It may seem as though the batterer is losing control because of his angry behavior. To that end, most batterers are very good manipulators. They know how to convince others and their victims that they are not at fault for their actions.
Is domestic violence less of a problem between same-sex couples?
Studies show that violence in same-sex relationships is as common as it is in heterosexual relationships. Sometimes the violence is less noticeable because of preconceived notions about gender roles. When men fight, people tend to view it as natural, because “boys will be boys.” Women, because they are stereotyped as sensitive and passive, are not expected to be violent.
Do drugs and alcohol cause domestic violence?
The need to exercise power and control is the cause of domestic violence. Drugs and alcohol enable people to lose their inhibitions, and cloud sound judgment. As a result, violence may be exacerbated by the use of these substances. It is important to remember, however, that it is not the cause.
What can I do if I, or someone I know is being abused?
- Talk to a friend, relative, someone you trust
- If you have bruises have someone take pictures and keep them safe for you
- Arrange a signal with someone to let them know when you need help
- Try to keep an emergency stash of money
- Have important documents, birth certificates, social security cards etc. available
- Contact us at 605-692-7233 to familiarize yourself with services - Our services are free and confidential with 24 hour trained staff available to help.
Need something more in depth to read? Here is some recommended reading from our friends at Domesticshelters.org.
Some Specific Articles we recommend to read.
- How To Get A Protection Order Served on an Abuser
- Ending the Backlog of Rape Kits
- "I Went Back" Why Some Survivors Return and What Happens Next
- Surviving Gaslighting: Four tactics for learning to trust your intuition again
- How Do I Donate Items To Shelter?
- Slamming Sexism: Real-life examples of how woman respond to everyday sexism
- Survivor Tonya, From Broke to Business Woman: An abuser tried to bankrupt her, but now this strong, female entrepreneur is getting even
- Breaking Your Lease Without Breaking the Bank: Options for survivors to terminate their lease and move on
- What Victim Blaming Sounds Like: Five responses that we need to stop perpetuating
- From Romance to Isolation: Understanding Grooming: Anyone can fall for the clever manipulations of an abusive partner